working girl

 working hard, hardly working..

that pretty much sums me up at the moment.

it's been 3 months since i started working. a lot of people i know is way past this already having years of working experience behind them. the bright glow of fresh graduate-ness is long gone from their aura. but here i am, just starting. better late than never i guess :) so how has it been for me?

the first month was tough. i didn't enjoy it because i was too nervous, too scared to find out what's out there for me. each day is filled with "ang tanga tanga mo jam. d ko alam kung pano ka nkagraduate" moments. each night was filled with prayers not to screw up the next day. i was mentally kicking my self esteem with every little mistake i make while everyone around me was all "don't worry about it, you'll get the hang of it." and i knew they had a point but it's hard when you're trying so hard but things get f*cked up anyway. you would think that some amount of effort on my part would actually reward me with something good in return.

by the 2nd month, i calmed down a bit. when i make mistakes, i just shrug it off and put it in the "i'll do it the right way next time" pile at the corner of my mind. i was cutting myself a bit of slack now. and i find that i was actually starting to enjoy myself. before work, i find myself relaxed with just a healthy amount of nerves in my body. enough to keep me on my toes but not too much to make me crazy.

on the good side of things, i am immensely grateful for having these opportunities in my life. i feel so blessed that it just hits me like lightning sometimes. random epiphanies and whatnots. on the other hand, i find myself having no drive lately. i realized that my main goal for most of my life was to finish school and now that school is over, what's next?i have a job. so what now?i'm just a little bit lost and uninspired lately. I just need to have new goals, build new dreams. i'm just waiting for that to kick in. hehe :) i think it's ok to pause & reevaluate every now and then. so this is me pausing..